Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m so jealous of people who live near a coastal area. Wdym you can just go to the beach on a random Tuesday?

Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.

Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?

Me: I got the dirt off.

Wife: What does that mean?

Me: *hides the leaf blower*

LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping

You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.

Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.

I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.

Print is alive and well!!!

“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.

I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.

John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!

Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works

Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.

My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.

I call bullshit.

Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?

M: No, they’re never about people I know.

*writes another tweet about him*

In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.

In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.

I hope this email finds you-

Waldo: *slams laptop shut* holy fuck that was close

So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?

[ on trial ]

me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?

judge: we can all hear you

me: then I’d like an answer to the question

Just once, I’d like to have a fully baked idea.

its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects

People: Let us know if you need help!

Me: Okay I need help

People:

You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears

[blind date]

Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS

Her: Hi, I’m Linda

Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*

it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”

Walks up in da club like

“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”

[speed dating]

Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”

Her: “Face…”

Me: “Have a nice life.”

My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.

For the first half of my life, I thought you could only poop at home. Now I know you can poop anywhere

– my 5yo, unprompted

[Logging in]

• Password must be 6 digits

Me : *Types “6 digits”*

Computer : You are an imbecile.