Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first date]

Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.

My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets

Them: Can I ask you a personal question?

Me: *bursts into flames*

Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.

when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice

People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save

Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.

Rules for rap battling Eminem:

1. Do not let Eminem go first.

2. Do not let Eminem go second.

[church]

1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*

Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.

Wife: Nuclear power plants?

Me: Second worst place.

Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.

Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently

Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.

I found out my girlfriend was really a ghost

I suspected so, the moment she walked through the door

I am having an out of money experience.

Sometimes words are just not enough

And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower

Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.

We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”

Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.

Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.

18 is TOO young to get married!

You can’t even buy booze at 18!

If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?

[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.

“Don’t ask.”

– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask

My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.

Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781

She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face

Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.

At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?

*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*

My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420

My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…