Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.

Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.

‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥

Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?

Me: yeah looks like it

[job interview]

“Tell me about yourself.”

I have a lot of experience.

“Great, can you elaborate?”

They’re bad experiences.

“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”

My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory

I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him

*first day as an accountant*

me: so where are the ants?

Sometimes when my boyfriend and I aren’t speaking, we have the dog deliver notes to each other

I just got a message from the dog asking where the good mustard is

I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.

Why would you ask me for directions?

You just saw me walk into a closed door.

If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).

Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.

Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.

PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD

Signed: nOt The cAt

One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.

I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong

You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time

Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.

“I FIXED IT!”

Smile Twitter, Smile.

Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.

Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell

My partner is sending me slides from orientation at her new job and it’s all like

– No more than 80 hours per week!
– 4 days guaranteed off per month!
– Shifts are capped at 28 hours!

Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore

60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.

I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.

You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.

they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer