Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
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Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Store: Aluminum I think
Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?
Pet Store: Don’t you dare!
Me: It’s a nickleless cage
Pet Store: GET OUT!
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )