Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry

*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*

My wife is my rock.
Not only is she always there for me, but she looks just like Dwayne Johnson

If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.

Unknown people: you aren’t weird you are just being yourself
My gang: bro I know 5 weird people and you are 4 of them

30 seconds left on the microwave

~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone

~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown

Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.

T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.

T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?

T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.

We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.

I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker

[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*

My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”

cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours

my cat: *slowly pushes it off*

I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans

Me: *drops mic*

Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!

My mom came out of light anesthesia just now and she’s yelling about how nice and thick my hair is, hey I’ll take the compliments where I can get them

A dad and his duck

https://video.twimg.com/ext_tw_video/1578839827507822597/pu/vid/576x806/5ZkW1nLgMTQfvLIb.mp4?tag=12

[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control

“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*

DAMMIT NOT AGAIN

I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.

At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.

I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.

The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed

Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.

when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”

There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.

Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.

if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones

Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?

Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back

*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*

You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.