Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
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8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
I’m going to need to rewatch Idiocracy to see what happens next
The enemy of my enemy is my friend. But I’m my own worst enemy so I guess I’m also my best friend.
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”
You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.