Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
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Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
We’ve all been there…
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
if 5 random white ppl come up to me & tell me they are imagine dragons im gonna have no choice but to believe them
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice