Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.

We take our lazy seriously around here.

interviewer: describe your hero

me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room

I’m the Usain Bolt of running late

My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.

“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.

I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher

[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half

i think only bears should have the right to bear arms

Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago

The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.

Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.

Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!

Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!

Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!

Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.

Size matters

– me, when alcohol is being poured

me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.

I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .

the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!

ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*

CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*

ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*

CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*

ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*

me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating

publisher: no

me: ok

“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”

-if Lassie had been a cat

I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.

[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…

[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: ａｌｗａｙｓ

Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.

[in deep space]

Everyone: [in hypersleep]

Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]

So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating

But I still bite the inside of my mouth

I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge

Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.

Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!

My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.

I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant