Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
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” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
me: how do you like the future?
lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car
me: what is it?
lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
The Book. The Movie.
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
congratulations to them
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.