Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
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[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.
Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
See..?
.
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
Good boy 😂😂
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
You can use an egg timer to tell you when your egg is cooked perfectly. For brown rice you can use a calendar.
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy