Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
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Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
ME: What do you want for our anniversary?
WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to write it down
ME: Nah, I’ll remember
[later]
WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*
channeling her this year
