Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
You Might Also Like
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
When I was a kid, I had this game called ‘Worm Church,’ where I’d bring Worms to my room and read them the Bible.
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.
That stupid look on my face, is my face
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
This is not an empty room, this is a very succesful anti-party
My 3yo just told me, wrathfully, “Well, if you won’t play with me then I’m gonna take a NAP on the COUCH!”
Ooooh. That’ll show me.
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
going to ask seven friends for advice and then execute my original plan