Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
You Might Also Like
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.
no cat here
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
[in line for coffee]
Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-
Barista: NEXT!
Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado
Me (in my head): god dammit
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”
No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.
I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.
LOL
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”