Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,

The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.

bruce banner: [getting angry]

black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]

bruce banner: what is this?

black widow: anger manageMINT.

hulk: [sighs heavily]

The Punning Dead.

*brings nachos to your exorcism*

When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.

guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?

🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you

-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge

Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice

I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.

Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my report

What I imagine it’d be like if I had a job

Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.

The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.

Me: was your son fed?

Wife: yes.

Me: bathed?

Wife: yes.

Me: in bed on time?

Wife: yes.

Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?

Wife: his pajamas.

Me: what about them?

Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.

It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.

So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known

After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.

*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*

The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.

My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.

*comes home drunk

*sleeps on floor

My girlfriend is the square root of -100.

She’s a 10, but imaginary

If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.

Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.

For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.

I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.

“That’s me in a nutshell.”

A peanut’s photo album.

Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?

Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.

Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?

[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?

the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion