Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
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Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.