Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people

Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss

Wife: I want a divorce

Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.

Wife: then drink the tea I made for you

Not many people know this but memory foam mattresses are made from elephant.

My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.

can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.

When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .

Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit

You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.

Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name

You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.

When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.

– Hand held pencil sharpener

*kids walking

Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!

Kids: Okay!

*continue walking at exactly the same pace

Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question

[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes

If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.

[Mcdonald’s]

DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids

WIFE: we have 10 kids

DARWIN: I know

5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.

Now they are tenants together.

i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.

You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.

*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*

Him:*middle finger*

Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED

Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart

*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE

[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?

WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen

Bully: gimme ur sandwich

Me [pulls knife]

Bully: hey man I don’t want any-

Me: -crusts. i know

5: daddy can I tell you a secret?

Me: sure thing buddy

5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands

sneezy geese carry a honkerchief

your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia

Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.