Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?

Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play

Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold

I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.

[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*

Hey baby, what’s your name?

“Robert”

Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.

I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.

How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end

horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?

deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day

[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS

Friends: Come get a drink with us after work?

Me: Nah, I gave up drinking for my New Year’s Resolution.

Friends: C’mon, just have one….

Me: Ok, maybe just one.

[ three hours later at the club ]

Me:

Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.

Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*

Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*

My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.

My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.

She’s my Japaniece..

Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.

GUYS.

For the past two years the ticket man at my station has baffled me. Some days we get on like a house on fire, chatting about life. Other days he won’t even return a hello…turns out to be a pair of identical twins who both work there.

TWO SEPERATE MEN.

TWO YEARS GUYS.

I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.

If your problem can be solved by:

Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or Murder

Then you don’t really have a problem.

If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.

Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.

Bon appetit!

Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”

NOW tell her you’re a magician.

Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!

My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts

cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55

me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha

cop: sure whatever

[later in traffic court]

judge: how were you going 420 in a 55

I don’t want to admit how long this entertained the cat as well as us 🤣🤣🤣

Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.

If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.

Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.

When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.

Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?

Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently

Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.