Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
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What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
my favorite genre of twitter
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50
Beware of the “party goblin”…
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.