Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
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10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
Dog: You’re back!
Me: Yes
Dog: I missed you so much!
Me: Aww, that’s sweet
Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness
Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute
Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
Taliband
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?