Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
You Might Also Like
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
old twitter is back baby
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
g
a
r
d
e
n
e
r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
We’re all still reeling from the events yesterday. Here’s what we know:
-I got an everything bagel w/ chive cream cheese at 10:30am
-I went to the park at 10:39
-I put my bagel down to take a pic of a squirrel I think I’ve met before
-Bagel went missing at 10:40More info soon.
guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.