Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
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My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
You have been warned.
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??