Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
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Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you have an extra hour to think about it.
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
My physician didn’t find this amusing…
What do you call a veterinarian who’s only good enough to treat one species? A Doctor.
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence
Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.