@Justin_M_Barber

Sorry I yelled ‘killin’ it’ when your mom was eating that banana

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@mrtiredeyes

me: goodnight moon 🙂

moon: goodnight

me: goodnight stars 🙂

stars: goodnight

me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂

security guard: how the hell did you get in here

@AnnietheNanny1

What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?

@SharkJelly

[My Wedding]

Me: I do

Guests: Awww

Me: Or do I?

Guests: Ooooo

@XplodingUnicorn

My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.

She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.

Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.

@astutenewf

M: I can’t access Twitter

IT: We blocked twitter

M: What am I supposed to do with this computer now?

IT: Work?

M: Who hurt you?

@JennInTheCorner

Little known fact: Fergie stopped making music cuz she ran out of words she knew how to spell.

@LurkAtHomeMom

Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t fun

How’s your summer going?

@Rica_Bee

I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line

@bumdog7

I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally things like this don’t bother me, but it was in my Big Mac.