me: goodnight moon 🙂
me: goodnight stars 🙂
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
Sorry I yelled ‘killin’ it’ when your mom was eating that banana
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What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
Me: I do
Me: Or do I?
My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.
She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.
Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.
M: I can’t access Twitter
IT: We blocked twitter
M: What am I supposed to do with this computer now?
M: Who hurt you?
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
Little known fact: Fergie stopped making music cuz she ran out of words she knew how to spell.
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t fun
How’s your summer going?
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally things like this don’t bother me, but it was in my Big Mac.