Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
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My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks
I finally found a reason to live again.
My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekendME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk
glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.