Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
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The Lion King is my favourite film outlining why you shouldn’t trust your uncle
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.
Might f*** around and reply to all work emails with “make me
Risking my life for fun.
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
Are we there yet?…
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!