Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
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12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
Live, laugh, lie to the doctor about how many drinks you have per week
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
It’s nothing worse than accidentally becoming a important person at your job.
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
Not religious but been going through a hard time so lit a candle in a church today for the first time to seek help. 30 mins later a pigeon shat on my head
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”