Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
You Might Also Like
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is
do u think theres a butter planet?
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!