@mstern68

Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.

You Might Also Like

@BoogTweets

Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*

Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE

@FeelingEuphoric

*gazing up at stars*

Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?

Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper

@Fred_Delicious

[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”

@AimeeHelene1

I didn’t hit him with my car…

I massaged him with my wheels.

@Token_Geezer

Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb

I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly

@molly7anne

Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!

Also family: Have a baby 🙂

@froghammer

Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die

@jewelnotjule

Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.

@scrappy_momma

I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.