Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Today a coworker from another department was talking about her daughter, Haysleigh, and I guess I gave an eyebrow raise because she immediately said “like paisley but agricultural” then spelled it and I felt my soul leave my body

So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?

channeling her this year

This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL

I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.

Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole

we’re all idiots, it’s not a competition

My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.

Not wearing deodorant because I put lotion on my hands and couldn’t get the cap off

why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean

Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work

Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over

Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.

[after sex]

guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time

me: sorry im afraid of the dark

My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.

Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.

Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.

“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied

Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.

Watching someone cook is really sexy.

But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.

If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you

Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.

GUY: *cuts me off in traffic

ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon

Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.

The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.

When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.

[text message]

Coworker: Can I call you quick?

Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me

Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen

According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later

That’s someone else’s problem.

-me, putting back a pen that wouldn’t write