Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.

[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?

I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.

Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.

Her: do you have protection?

MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes

Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment

Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card

Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*

Boss: Sonofa

“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want

Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined

If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.

[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*

“It’ll be dead soon. Nature abhors a vacuum.”
-commentsivehadafew

the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille

I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.

I took two years of anger management courses

Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores

As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.

Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”

Whoever’s responsible for the Microsoft outage is getting fired anyway, so the smart thing to do would be knock Teams out for the day too and leave a hero.

God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.

I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days

My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.

I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought

A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.

Husband: what’s on your mind babe
Me: that someone made up dinosaur sounds without actually hearing them
Husband:

The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.

Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster

You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.

(hours before leaving on a road trip)

You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.