Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
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fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
Saw a car with a bumper sticker that said “I love my wife” and all I could think was WHAT did this dude DO??
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.