Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
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All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
Whether you rip off a bandaid quickly or slowly, I find it’s best to ask the wearer’s permission first.
Saw online –
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
Do ducks feel sad?
No, they feel “down”cast.
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.
Customize Your Wedding.
[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
If I had a party I wouldn’t tell you when to leave but there will be signs.
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.
Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.
Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.
Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.
Oh the world we live in…
