Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
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Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
A couple who are silly together stay together.
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch right now refusing to clean bigger rooms.
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”
I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
The Assassin.