“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
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The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
still really wild that Starbucks built its brand on ~artisanal cozy vibes~ and now it feels like you’re in there to get a blood test
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
God: you’re very small.
Ant: ok.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
God: well-no.
Ant: can I lift a car?
God: no.
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.
I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”
hello I’m britain’s greatest spy and my catchphrase is I tell you my real surname then my real forename then my real surname again in case you missed it
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
me: [explaining the scene in bone tomahawk where they split a guy in half]
therapist: I doubt your mailman wants to do that to you
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
My husband is the do-it-yourself type. I asked him to take out the garbage and he said, “do it yourself.”
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME