Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week
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“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.