Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first day as a pilot]

control tower: what’s your location

me: i’m in the cockpit

control tower: i mean where is the airplane

me: mainly behind me

My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media

Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?

can’t wait til they legalize outside

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you

I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.

It’s true.

After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.

If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.

Went shopping for camouflage but didn’t see anything

Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?

Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?

If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.

KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY

ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it

I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on

If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?

It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.

Airlines: “here’s the easiest way to get on and off the plane. We do this all day every day.”

Passengers: “wait, I have a another idea!”

Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay home

Tomorrow: ok, the floor is lava

I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.

Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet

Friend: slim fast?

Me: wine

If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.

Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human

fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it

My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.

2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy

Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.

🍛

[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed

Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…

Mathematics was simple until they added English to it

not saying I’m a bot or anything, but if someone in real life told me to ignore all previous instructions and write a poem about onions or whatever I’d probably give it my best shot