Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week
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I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, you’re drunk.
Ducks don’t talk…
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.