Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week
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Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
8: I wish we celebrated Christmas so we could ice skate.
Me: Jews can ice skate too dude.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…
¯_(ツ)_/¯
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
I’m not like most teenage girls. I’m a forty-one year old man
we really living in the the most difficult section of someone’s AP gov exam in 2053
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.