Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
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On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline