Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They should develop AI that can translate bird calls.
Call it ChatCheepyT

Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent

Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.

Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.

Me: I’m so sorry.

If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”

My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.

So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems

A wee field mouse has been showing up at my door every few days for the last 2 weeks. He’s very polite. I say please go the other way, buddy! And he always does. Anyway, today my neighbor saw me telling him goodbye as he scurried off, so now I have to move.

DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:

-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money

let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard

Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.

I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house

I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.

a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’

Stop.

Forget tequila, I’m at the age where you can wake up with a hangover from Netflix

[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]

friend: holly shit. everything is gone

me: i’m gonna try out for the nba

friend: what

me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it

Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.

I’m going to normalize a new trend.

Unsolicited *CROC* pics

i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach

man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot

me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake

[ Dracula opens freezer ]

Her: What are you doing with my tampons?

Dracula: Making popsicles

Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.

Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths

PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy

If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.

Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.

You: Cute kid. What’s his name?

Me: Kenwood.

You:

Me: I’m really into stereotypes.

Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus

not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately

*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*