Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
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Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
I need to remind myself daily that I am pretty awesome and that I can do absolutely anything.
Except reach the top shelf, I can’t do that.
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
No flush
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
Why be content with those 3 little words when you can have 6.
“Your parcel is out for delivery.”
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
Never deleting this app.
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.