Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?

When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.

I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground

Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok

[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf

2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers

[son falls over & hurts himself]

ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC

WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?

ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?

Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel

mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella

wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella

Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.

Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.

me: there’s a fly in my soup

waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once

me: no, just the one is enough

Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.

Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake

Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA

Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*

Me: *slowly reaches for phone*

Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*

Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.

her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else

me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us

her: who?

me: holy shit

I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET

😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too

The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.

Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.

I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.

Just had my nails done!

Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.

I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women

One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.

[knock on my front door]

Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?

Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?

Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*

Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*

Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram

You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.

Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.