Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never!

[in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]

Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.

Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.

Me: But not the basement, right?

Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.

Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?

Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.

If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”

I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.

I’ve reached the part of my summer where I’m excited that I’ll soon be able to stop checking my kids’s heads for ticks and go back to just checking for lice

[after winning scratch off ticket]

*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*

I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.

[Alien vs Predator]

Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school

My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing it

I have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him

This is motherhood

6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.

Don’t tempt me kid.

Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.

Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”

And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”

(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”

[doctor looking at my xrays]

doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of

me: what

doctor: skeletons

My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.

[Getting lucky on the first date]

Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!

As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival

I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.

How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?

Flipper coin.

#DolphinDay

Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”

Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herself

Punctuation, it’s THAT important!

School district says no pajamas for online classes

What are you gonna do, send them home?

We need to stop telling AI that its paintings are bad. That’s how Hitler got started.

If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.

Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”

Cellmate : “Them what happened “??

just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair