Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
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checking my bank account to see how ethical i want to be with my egg purchase
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
Being a serial killer is much like being a comedian, in that you either hit it big and get your own Netflix special, or you spend eternity popping up on shitty podcasts
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig
Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
when circumstances permit and someone has done something naughty or rude on the road instead of honking at them or yelling i just try to catch their eye and wag my finger in the “no no” gesture because it’s what i personally would be the most enraged by
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?
Me: No
Son: he’s in the ICU
Seeing a lot of posts about “rawdogging a flight” but can we discuss those absolute weirdos who rawdog the movie theater?
No popcorn, no drink, just watching a movie for two hours. At least smuggle in some Twinkies under your jacket.
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.