Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Schrödinger’s Dumpster

Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.

Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.

Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.

me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you

What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?

Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.

Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.

Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.

Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.

Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.

before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule

If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms

Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road

My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.

My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.

[SCIENCE FAIR]

ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.

PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.

OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.

i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact

I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”

[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*

Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:

Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?

Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’

beauty:

beast:

beauty: *sips tea*

beast: *sips tea*

beauty:

beast:

beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—

beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask

if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me

Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.

Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!

Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing

Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover

Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”

8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*

Me: Why do you look so angry?

8: I was getting my picture taken.

I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee

realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some

Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?