Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
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Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard