Sorry I’m a week late. Had to scroll back to my birth year.
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Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?