Sorry I’m a week late. Had to scroll back to my birth year.
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me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
In case you needed to hear it:
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
Myers-Briggs is just astrology for men. Sorry, that was a Pisces thing for me to say.
the greatest twitter interaction
“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
MARIE KONDO: does this empty box spark joy?
ME: yes
MK: and this old iPhone 4 box?
ME: yes
MK: and allll of these Amazon boxes? do they spark joy too?
ME: yes
MK: and this other one over here with all of these smaller boxes inside it?
ME: yes
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers