Sorry I’m a week late. Had to scroll back to my birth year.
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Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
why would I work from home when i don’t even work from work
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
everyone’s blaming media illiteracy for ppl mistaking poo crave for pop crave but babe that’s just regular illiteracy 😓
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.