Sorry, I’m afraid “Hillbilly Elegy” has 62 holds on it. What that means is 62 other people will need to not read it before you get the chance to check it out and not read it.
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I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?![]()
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I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
Me: *using a hammer while demonstrating some diy* Now, you never want to use a hammer for this
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
I believe in serving my children a variety of foods that they won’t eat.
My children, who were born two years apart, recently informed me they are actually twins, that they know this on a soul-level, and that what happened was my youngest got tangled in a tube inside me somewhere and just sort of… hung out for two years on accident
me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-
boss: *leans in and whispers*
me: essential. they say i’m essential.
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
“How much is it to sign up for a library card?”
“It’s free.”
“But what does it cost?”
“Nothing, it’s free.”
“No, how much money is it to sign up though?”
“I swear it’s free.”
“Never mind, I’ll ask at the other desk.”
I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
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HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?