Sorry, I’m afraid “Hillbilly Elegy” has 62 holds on it. What that means is 62 other people will need to not read it before you get the chance to check it out and not read it.
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She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
I don’t really understand the rules for Pommel Horse, so either this is all very impressive or I am witnessing some of the worst attempts to sit down I’ve ever seen.
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
Cat is stressing him out.
Never share a secret with a clock.
Because Time will tell.
My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
me: that teaching babies to eat airplanes will destroy us all. one day we’ll create a baby large enough to eat real airplanes and be unable to either destroy it, or explain the horror that sating it’s desire for num-nums would unleash
date: …neat. my greatest fear is spiders
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.