Sorry, I’m afraid “Hillbilly Elegy” has 62 holds on it. What that means is 62 other people will need to not read it before you get the chance to check it out and not read it.
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I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
I’m pretty good at math (counting) except when I’m counting out a limited number of broken crackers for a diet. “Oh, this one’s broken. So that’s a 1/2 and 3/4 and another 1/2, ok that’s one.”
New Year’s hottest club is…Staying the Fuck Home. This place has EVERYTHING! Cheap drinks. Heavy pours. Your favorite spot on the couch. No bathroom lines. No cover for ladies (masks & bras not required). VIP fridge access. Live performances by you staring at your phone & MORE!
My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
The Joker was right
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
Just saw a toddler running past my house waving a red flag with their mom chasing after them and I’ve never seen a more accurate depiction of parenthood.
Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead
me: let’s find out
nurse: but he-
me: SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what are u-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
My mom says if I’m a good boy, I can be the captain of the gravy boat at Thanksgiving this year.
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in