Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
You Might Also Like
Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
The absolute effort that went into this omg
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?
Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.
H: Which episode?
M: The one with the dance contest.
H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.