Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”

Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.

“Don’t look at me, you bought the faulty blinds”

Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.

Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.

HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 years

BEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you

[Dinner Party]

ME: I’d like to raise a glass…

{years later…}

ME: Son, you’re adopted

GLASS: WHAT?!!

I just made the PERFECT phone call!

My parents didn’t answer.

I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?

YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.

#WhenIMisspelled ya know.

I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.

“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch

“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?

Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild

imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”

“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”

Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.

“You’re a nice guy”

One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ

what kind of cook setting is this??

Kids: Stay in school.

I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.

My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.

The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate

Wife: I’m leaving you.

Me: Us.

Wife:

Me: You’re leaving us.

Wife:

Me: Also, why?

Wife: *Sigh*

Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.

Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.

*has hiccups for 30 seconds*

MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT

[NASA job interview]

Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!

Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.

Interviewer: Get out.

Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel

Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?

Me: *hands cash*

Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.

me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.

doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.

me: i know but it’s so itchy.

Never mind a Roomba, I need a robot garbage can that will follow my kids around the house all day.