Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
You Might Also Like
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
[restaurant]
me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please
server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir
me: challenge accepted
Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle
Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”