Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this

waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?

It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.

*6 holding a 5 hour energy*

“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”

Go ahead, have kids.

ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla

If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?

i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven

When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.

To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.

My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today

INSTRUCTIONS:

1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.

Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.

I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!

The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.

The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.

{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?

BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.

Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT

Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them

cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest

in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside

on a hike: I want to pet that bear

Question: You know how cocky you need to be to put a billboard up for an establishment that is nearly 600 miles away in the opposite direction?

Answer: You need to be Buc-ees-level cocky.

⛽️ 🦫

britain’s three elite institutions

Don’t you hate it when you’re SO tired because it’s been SUCH a long week and then you look at the calendar and see that it is, in fact, only Monday?

I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry

Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.

Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.

Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!

There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen

[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken

GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet

My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.

you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely

there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial

Good morning, Twitter x