Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
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Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
Spotted in New Orleans.
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
Probably the worst thing you can do when your wife gives you a disapproving look from across the room for being on your phone is finish typing this.
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
My wife bought a bag of mozzarella sticks from Costco in case 1,100 kids stop by the house.