Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.

Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.

Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.

Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*

What happened?!

Me: There was a spider.

The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.

Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster

My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.

Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq

As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.

No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.

Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.

Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.

I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.

I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle

My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.

Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick

I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.

[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?

I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.

Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign

Me: I got lost in the music

C: what song?

M: I’d rather not say

C: what song?!?

M: I saw the sign

[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]

so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain

FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?

ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.

Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2

Friend: What?

Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn

Friend: Who hurt you?

My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.

Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.

Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.

I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside

Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field

Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.

The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.

Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.