Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
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shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
My dog couldn’t find his favorite toy so I got on my hands and knees and crawled around the house for 10 minutes looking under all the furniture, and he was SO excited for me to be down there with him, I could tell he was like “YES she finally figured out how to walk”
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
*at a shower
Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.
[friend whispers to me]
Sorry. Wedding dress.
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”
The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?
If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers