Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
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Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
Being a baby must be scary, imagine sleeping at home & you wake up at TJMAXX
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
Don’t tell me who won the fight, my Netflix is still buffering.
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
MGM lion got me again. nearly threw my popcorn across the room
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
The vampire myth probably started with a really bad hickey
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
I want a girlfriend so hot that people walking down the street know that I am funny
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”