Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
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“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
You might think off-brand products are, “just as good,” but I learned my lesson at Lollapalooka.
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”
All my small talk is done with a car horn.
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
lmao
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.