Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
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Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
eating plastic bags is awesome. i don’t know why everybody is getting mad at me for doing it
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
Trying to transition into becoming a hat guy but want to make it seem natural so I’m wearing a very tiny hat and will wear a slightly larger one every day until I’m just wearing a normal hat.
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?