Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
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ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.
GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.
ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.
pizza
No one warned me how funny it would be when my 3yo started using specific buzzwords to target my weaknesses. “Mommy, we should buy this. It is ON SALE. And it is HEALTHY FOR LITTLE CHILDREN.”
This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
shit just got real
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
my mind
You just read my mind
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess
If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*