Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
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Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
him : can you name the shapes?
me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-
him : no I didn’t mea-
me : …Harry the hexagon
him: will you just st-
me : Dave the dodecahedron
Wife: I remember your proposal
Me: Oh yeah?
Wife: It was so romantic
Me: It was?
Wife: You put in so much effort
Me:
Wife: That was Steve?
Me: That was Steve
My wife is napping quietly and the villain of this story is about to be this sneeze.
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
I’ve got lots of frenemies. That’s what I call French people who are my enemies.
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
Teach your children to beatbox
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
[AGM of potato mashers]
“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?