sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
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Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.