sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
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Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
Me, to kid: “Don’t be scared; it’s only a movie. It’s not like it’s REAL!”
Also Me: watched Poltergeist as a kid and still have lifelong trust issues with trees, clown dolls, TV static, & walk-in closets.
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
So good at ordering donuts my doctor is ordering me a special pill to take every morning.
In the Target toy aisles-
“No, please put that back”
“I said we aren’t buying anything today”
“You already have dozens of Nerf guns at home!”
– and that’s just me to my husband
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
How do I get a job writing these texts
the devil works hard but the single multivitamin i take after making unhealthy choices for weeks works harder
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.