sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
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sistine chapel
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
I feel it
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
My 6yo told me there’s a kid called Mirror in his new class, and I’m not sure if he misheard or that’s just where we are with names now
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside
ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.