Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How can I say no to this ?

NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*

Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.

a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole

[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.

prisoner 1: what are you in for?

prisoner 2: murder

prisoner 3: arson

hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now

If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.

Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:

1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving

I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.

I eat them now.

[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]

“Ptequila, pthanks.”

Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.

Him: Please, call me James.

I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”

Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?

*3.5 thank you very much.

me: have you seen my shoes?

dad: I saw them on your feet once

me: I’m serious can you be more specific

dad: hi serious, I’m more specific

“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”

cyclists

If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.

Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?

Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.

Murder Hornets: ok boomer

me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.

wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.

There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.

Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store

Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.

I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.

Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson

Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.

I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.

Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79

*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*

Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space