Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
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I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
In my neighborhood, when things are left by the curb, they’re free to take.
Officer: “Ma’am please step out of the Amazon truck.”
FINDERS KEEPE *gets tased*
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
The glockness monster
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
About to throw up
Nothing worse than when I turn up to Park Run to find it is indeed going ahead
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
As I’m moonwalking away, they didn’t even notice I had stolen a brownie.