sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
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My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”
Holy shit, I married my father
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?
Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick
Cop: *on radio* get the feds
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
Camel dough
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
🤣😂🤣😂
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
Most of your problems would disappear if you just turned off your phone. And I know you know that. But not me, bubba. I got jokes to write.
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.