sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
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In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”
[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me: