sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
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Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
The scariest pumpkins ever 😵🤣🎃
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
Something Saturday.
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.