sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
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Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.