Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print

[Airport Departures]

We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents

Me: Even if I pay extra?

A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday

Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.

Him at 1am: Wanna come over?

Me: Sure thing, sexy

-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring

love how you can hear the crowd constantly forgetting the queen died and singing god save the quing

Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:

1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium

Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over

I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”

I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming

3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day

Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.

I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.

-me, about to break the dryer

I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?

Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house

You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.

Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it

[in bed]

Me: Don’t you love being on top?

Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind

Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom

I’m dying louder than usual today.

*runs away from it all*

*runs back*

*grabs phone charger*

*runs away from it all again*

What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?

Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?

Me: either, as long as there’s butter

Him: are we still talking about se-

Me: muffins, yes

Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.

I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.

can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦‍♂️ whatever u say gorgeous

[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?

Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.

Wife: Me either. We are getting old.

Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.

Wife: What do you mean-

[Kids start imitating hyenas]

-nevermind.

friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?

me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up

4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.

Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”

Me: *making a snow angel*

Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor