Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫

Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.

At the motel:

Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..

Me: I’d like a wakeup call.

FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.

Genie: you have 17 wishes

Me: isn’t it normally 3??

Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.

commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free

what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait

I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.

Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”

“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.

“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.

I don’t go to parties that are “8 ’til late” because I think those two things are the same.

If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?

When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.

What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.

When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.

You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.

one time in med school I lost my pokemon coffee thermos in the hospital so I retraced my steps but couldn’t find it and I got sad so I went to the cafeteria for a cookie and the clerk was like “haha I like ur thermos” and I looked down and guess what I was holding the entire time

I feel like I have something to prove here.

Judge: That’s sort of how this works.

Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.

But with a hell of a lot more swearing.

The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?

If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?

[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.

If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.

ok hear me out: Luigiana

*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*

*Downloads five apps*

That should do it for today.

ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences

WARDEN: no

So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.

If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.

Me attempting to flirt: So do you like doing things?

check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad