Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
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*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
Ugh
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”
…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!
[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
Stop blaming others for your mistakes.
Study feng shui and blame the furniture
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day