Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
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“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
#parenting
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired
When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
hey yall i’m subletting my room from 6:15pm-8:57pm tonight while im at the gym, $76 + utilities
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.