Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.

I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.

Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.

Told her to just roll them a little tighter.

Schrodinger’s Immigrant: A person who is simultaneously too lazy to work, but is also stealing your job.

I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.

Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.

Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.

Getting on the floor to pick up a piece of paper after doing deadlifts was a choice

I guess I live down here now

I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*

Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.

My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”

[Frankenstein Castle]

MAMA: You need to make more friends

VICTOR: Fine…

{later}

MAMA: I should have been more specific

[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”

Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.

Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.

“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”

In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.

*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*

*Takes kid to pub*

*Bumps into wife at pub*

I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy

new record!

ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning

moses: 🙂

ramses: oh you son of a-

touring apartments is so funny bc sometimes you know the answer is no as soon as the door opens and you gotta pretend like you kinda interested as you see the rest of the place omg

[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?

[standing outside in the rain]

*opens weather app*

Looks like rain today.

I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.

Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.

THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you

DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude

I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.

I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.

You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector