Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: Will you marry me?

Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?

Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?

Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.

Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.

The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.

Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.

Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)

I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.

Told my kids the music video Land of confusion by Genesis freaked me out as a kid, so they wanted to watch it…Freaked them out too. Family traditions are important

Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.

Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.

“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video

8 year old: we’re learning about ancient Rome at school

me: awesome! I’ve actually been to the Colosseum

8 year old: did you watch the people fighting?

me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense

Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now

*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*

*audience claps politely*

Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”

Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid

-Nobody ever

“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”

*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.

Every. Damn. Time.

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup

“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table

the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard

“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?

Hub: What time is our movie tonight?

Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes

Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30

“Back off ladies. He’s mine”

all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man

Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*

Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats

Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?

-my kid who is about to get us burglarized

mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes

me: with what

ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!

“I want to request the next book in this series.”
“Sorry, it looks like that title isn’t coming out until sometime next year.”
“So are you saying you can’t request it?”
“Not yet, no.”
“See, this is why I hate libraries.”
“No, this is why you hate linear time.”