Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
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Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?
FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it